Selection of George Carlin's warped thoughts!
- If a mute swears, does his mother
wash his hands with soap?
- If someone with multiple personalities
threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Instead of talking to your plants,
if you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled
- When sign makers go on strike, is
anything written on their signs?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- When you open a bag of cotton balls,
is the top one meant to be thrown away?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat
- Why do they report power outages
- George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
- What should you do when you see an
endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling
- No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear
- If the funeral procession is at night,
do folks drive with their headlights off?
- If a stealth bomber crashes in a
forest, will it make a sound?
- If a man speaks in the forest and
there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
- Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’
ready to hang himself.
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
- Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
- Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't
mean the circus has left town.
- If the cops arrest a mime, do they
tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do people who know the least
know it the loudest?
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what
do humanitarians eat?
- Intelligence tests are biased toward
- I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy
nailed to two pieces of wood.
- One great thing about getting old is that you can
get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too
- In America, anyone can become president. That’s the
- The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some
time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You
know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not
close enough to get the job done."
- Sties are caused
by watching your dog shit.
- Jesus is coming–look busy.
- Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long
period of time.
- Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't
know what to do about it if I did.
- I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
- What year did Jesus think it was?
- The sicker you get, the harder it
is to remember if you took your medicine.
- Some see the glass as half-empty, some
see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.
- Most people are not particularly
good at anything.
- Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion
are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place?
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- It’s impossible to know accurately
how you look in your sunglasses.
- I think we should attack Russia now. They’d
never expect it.
- I have no ax to grind, but I do have
an ivory letter opener that could use sharpening.
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- The only good thing ever to come
out of religion was the music.
- There ought to be at least one round
- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize
half of them are stupider than that.
- In comic strips the person on the
left always speaks first.
- Why are there never any really good-looking
women on long distance buses?
- Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- At a formal dinner party, the person
nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
- If we could just find out who is
in charge, we could kill him.
- How do primitive people know if they
are doing the dances correctly?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- The reason they call it the American
Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
- She was only a prostitute, but she
had the nicest face I ever came across.
- May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
- If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you
- No one calls you “Bub”
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal?
- Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
- When they say someone is making a
“personal tour,” are they suggesting that, on the other hand, it
is somehow possible to make a tour without actually being there?
- If the Cincinnati Reds were really
the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
- Hobbies are for people who lack direction.
- Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that
apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- Is it illegal to charge admission
to a free-for-all?
- They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've
got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't
your biggest problem.
- As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
- Imagine how thick Japanese people’s
photo albums must be.
- Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- Some national parks have long waiting
lists for camping reservations. I think when you have to wait
a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- Shouldn’t a complimentary beverage
tell you what a fine person you are?
- If Helen Keller had psychic ability,
would you say she had a fourth sense?
you never hear: “Please stop sucking my dick or I’ll call
- “Something is wrong here: War, disease,
death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption
and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good
work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results
like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is
the kinda shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad
- “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help
section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
- “Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they
afraid someone will clean them?”
- “How come when it’s us, it’s ‘an abortion,’ but when
it’s a chicken it’s an omelet?”
- “Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible
man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute
of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things
he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will
send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture
and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs
• • •