I'm a Capricorn, but it's not the most descriptive thing I could say about myself. In fact it means absolutely nothing to me. However it might mean something to people who have seen Elvis recently. Nevertheless on rare occasions when I have nothing else to do (like sitting in a doctor's waiting room) I will read my horoscope - if one suddenly appears.

None of the magazines I read have horoscopes. If they did, I probably wouldn't be reading them. Unfortunately the doctor's offices that I have encountered don't stock any of the magazines I normally read, so when I'm there I find myself looking at a teen magazine or Redbook. I refuse to look at the sports magazines and will stare at the rug for hours to avoid them.

So that's how I happened to read my horoscope - I was waiting to see a dermatologist. My horoscope said:
"For the first time in ten months, the planet of love is entering your sign. Listen to your intuition: It will help you get over a relationship hurdle (and you'll stop hanging on to what you no longer need). Follow your passion and you'll make that shaky union more secure."

"Planet of love"? What planet is that? None of the planets I know are even inhabitable. Evidently some planet is entering Capricorn, which makes no sense at all. I thought Capricorn was a goat. Perhaps they are referring to the constellation between Sagittarius and Aquarius, but I didn't know any planets had been discovered there. I skipped over the fact that there is a new planet in Capricorn, or that it has an ability to influence my love life, and proceeded on with my horoscope.

"Listen to your intuition." I recently did that with some stocks I purchased, and I'm down 50%. I also listened to it when I got married, but that ended 18 years ago. My intuition has been very helpful for a lot of small things, but it has also gotten me into some really big jams. I have now learned to listen to my intuition and then get a second opinion.

"It will help you get over a relationship hurdle." Hmmm. The closest thing I have to a relationship hurdle is keeping my horse from throwing me. Perhaps they mean that if I use my intuition I can find a relationship hurdle to get over. In looking back on my past relationships, they have all been hurdles. Now that I'm over all of them, should I be looking for another? I think the dictionary should list "hurdle" as a synonym for "relationship."

"...(and you'll stop hanging on to what you no longer need)." This got me to pondering what I no longer need. I don't need relationship hurdles, but I don't have any to get rid of. Maybe I'm supposed to sell my horse.

"Follow your passion and you'll make that shaky union more secure." Now this could be some really bad advice. The last person I knew who followed his passion ended up cheating on his wife and she divorced him. The last time I tried to follow my passion and listen to my intuition, I almost ended up married with three stepchildren. Fortunately she got a second opinion from a younger man.

I scanned the other horoscopes looking for some better advice. Leo told me to: "Respond to your man's desires and you'll take your passion to a hotter level." I don't think so! Virgo said, "A family tie will provide support, some of it financial." My family consists of two sisters who aren't about to give me any money even if they could, so my only hope here is that one of my father's old neckties I saved might be worth big bucks now.

I settled on Aquarius. I've always liked the name, even if my ex was an Aquarius. It said: "Thumb your nose at stodgy advice."