It was dark, but as I approached my house I could just make out the shape of a large box sitting on my front porch. I correctly guessed that UPS, Federal Express, or Airborne had delivered a package, but I had not ordered anything. What could it be? It was too dark to tell whom it was from, but I suspected that my fiancée had something to do with it. She lives 2000 miles away and likes to send me stuff that she thinks is funny as well as some very serious things. This box was too big to be serious, so I had a hunch that I was in for a fun surprise.

I brought the box inside and saw that it was indeed from my fiancée. My dog was sniffing the box with great interest, and I promised her we would open it as soon as I got settled. I was tired after a long day, so I quickly undressed, put on my bathrobe and slippers, checked the mail, and sat down to open my surprise. The box was probably 30 inches in height, length and width and moderately heavy. Inside that box was another box that was much more revealing. It announced in big bold letters, “Chasey Lain.” Below that was a large photo of a bare-chested model that I assumed was Chasey, or at least I was suppose to think that. Next to Chasey was an implied quote, “I was molded just for you!” At the bottom of the box it said, “Signature Collectors Edition” and below that was, “Inflatable Vibrating Fantasy Playmate.” Nowhere did it say ‘Inflatable Woman,' but that had become obvious.

Now I have never seen an inflatable woman, but I’ve certainly heard lots of jokes about them. The most recent was a birthday card I received from my friend Pam. It said. “Don’t bother trying to blow out all your birthday candles.” Inside the card was, “Save your breath for your date,” and a picture of an inflatable woman. Little did Pam realize how true that would prove to be.

Now my curiosity was aroused. (But that was all that was aroused, so no smart-assed remarks please.) Other sides of the box were more revealing. There were photos of the artificial Chasey and descriptions like, “Original molding of Chasey’s face,” “Crystal Eyes,” Long silky hair,” “Soft lips,” French Kiss rotating tongue,” and… well let your imagination continue on down from there. Four AA batteries were required but not included. Chasey’s rotating tongue required two batteries, and two more were required for other parts of her that vibrated. Chasey also had some hair that was not long and silky. I hoped it wasn't real hair. I closed the blinds in my living room and opened the box.

Inside the box was a plastic bag containing what looked like a large skin-colored, deflated balloon with a head, hands, boobs, .... , and feet that were of more substantial material. These were obviously the “molded” parts featured on the box. At this point I realized that in order to grasp the full impact of what I had before me would require a lot of air. Right now all I had draped across my lap were a few body parts connected by deflated balloon material. I looked for directions but there were none. I did find an autographed 8 x 10 photo of Chasey Lain and one small piece of paper warning me not to over-inflate Chasey or her legs might not spread properly.

Locating an air valve I began to blow. After a few minutes of labored breathing I realized that either this thing was designed for much younger men or something was wrong with the air valve. I also realized that once Chasey was fully inflated there would be no more labored breathing on my part. Even if Chasey had been a beautiful inflatable woman (she wasn't), she was not what I was looking for.

The only large objects I have ever inflated were rafts, and I had an electric air pump to inflate those. I searched my basement and found the air pump. It was perfect, but only operated on 12 volts and only through the cigarette lighter in my truck, which happened to be out front in my driveway. I looked at the clock and saw it was only 10:30 PM. I live in a town house development where there are at least 30 people living within 100 feet of my truck and all able to see it out of their windows. There was no way in hell I was going outside in my bathrobe carrying an inflatable woman.

I set Chasey aside and busied myself with other chores. Around midnight curiosity got the better of judgment. I opened my garage door, waited for the automatic light to go out, and then quickly carried Chasey to my truck. I never realized how bright my interior dome light was until that moment. It seemed to light up the neighborhood. Chasey and I got in and quickly closed the door to extinguish the light. It didn’t go out. It never goes out until I put the key in the ignition and turn it. The key was back in the house. I darted back to the house and retrieved the key. Chasey and I were soon alone in the front seat of my now darkened truck.

I fumbled around, much like on my first date as a teen, until I found Chasey’s air hole and put the air pump into it. “BRAAAAAAAAAA” went the pump. It was so loud I thought the entire neighborhood would be looking out windows at any moment. No one did, and after what seemed like forever, Chasey started to fill out --and boy did she fill out.

Chasey was probably not over five feet tall, but she seemed to fill up the front seat more than most five foot women, not that I’ve had a lot of five foot women horizontal on my front seat. In fact there have been none since I graduated from high school. Getting Chasey out of the truck and into my house was truly a Laurel and Hardy routine, or in this case a Lew and Chasey routine. I opened the truck door and the dome light revealed to all who might have been looking, a scene that could only be misinterpreted. There would be a huge misunderstanding that I would never be able to explain. I began a serious effort to quickly extract myself from this situation but Chasey’s crotch got hooked on the gearshift lever. We finally make it to the house. When I emerged into my hallway carrying Chasey, my dog freaked out and took off, not to emerge again for at least 30 minutes.

I got out my digital camera and took a few photos -- a couple of Chasey’s distinguishing features, and one of her sitting on my lap. These I E-mailed to my fiancée so that she could see that Chasey had arrived safely. Then I set Chasey upstairs on a bench out of sight from any windows and called it a night. As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I considered the matter of what Chasey’s future might be. I couldn’t throw her away before my fiancée came to visit because, like me, she had never seen an inflatable women and wanted to see Chasey first hand. But that might not be for months. I couldn’t bring myself to have any feelings for Chasey. I scanned my memory banks for someone who might. I came up blank, which was reassuring, since no one wants to be reminded that they have known perverts as friends or acquaintances.

Chasey sat on the bench in my bedroom for a week. I couldn't get use to seeing her there, naked and life-like – especially in the middle of night. I finally deflated her and put her back in the box. My fiancé and I broke up years ago, but Chasey is still in my closet to this day. I thought about giving her away as a prize to one of the guys in the fraternity that I advised, but decided it would not be well received by the administration. If anyone out there wants Chasey, I'll be happy to give her away. I really don't want her found in my closet after I'm dead.

• • •

Folowup: I finally took Chasey out of my closet and mailed her to a good friend of mine in Colorado for his 80th birthday party. He was embarassed, but Chasey was the hit of the party. She reappeared at a horseshoe tournament a year later at another friend's house, so she is still out there somewhere.