2005 - A Year in Review

Well, another year has come and gone, and we are all one year older.  Look back at these past 365 days; Have you really used them wisely?  Don't worry, nobody else has either.  Anywho, nothing says its a new year for new things quite like dwelling in the past.  So, without further ado...I bring you 2005: A Memoriam.

January

4th - USC plays Oklahoma in the BCS Championship.  Highlight of the game comes at halftime, when Ashley Simpson is booed relentlessly for her attempt at singing.  Attempts to line dance her way out of trouble are unsuccessful.

February

7th - The New England Patriots defeat the Philadelphia Eagles to claim their third Super Bowl in four years.  New England storms out to early lead, taking advantage of the second string Eagles unit, as starters are busy filming soup commercials.

12th - Travers 5 discovers that fellow fiver Mike Ha is in two versions of the 'Numa Numa' video.  Much drunken dancing ensues.

28th - Michael Jackson child molestation trial begins...again.  Jackson foregoes any attempt to present himself as a normal non-pedophilic adult by arriving in pajamas.  Millions nationwide proclaim his innocence, based primarily on the bad-assness of his musical past.

March

4th - Scientists announce the creation of new anti-shark technology in an attempt to cut down on rate of shark attacks.  Technology relies heavily on air tanks and rifles.

14th - Terry Schiavo dies when her parachute fails to open during Black-Ops mission in Iraq.

29th - God decides he hasn't fucked with Southeast Asia enough and sends hurricanes to the tsunami damaged region.  Jerry Falwell blames the gays.

April

5th - North Carolina defeats Illinois to win the March Madness basketball tournament.  Despite losing over 90 percent of their offense to the NBA, Carolina officials are quick to point out they will return more starters than both Marlins World Series champs combined.

8th - Pope John Paul II is laid to rest.  John Paul receives worldwide mourning, however does not receive a 'Candle in the Wind' adaptation.  "He was a good man and all, but he was no Monroe," says Elton John.

14th - In a day that will forever be chronicled in internet lore. Bobby Ingram is Pimptastic launches to critical acclaim.

17th - BIIP has first non-Bobby hit.

20th - Pope Benedict announced as John Paul's replacement.  Public expresses displeasure with Benedict's Nazi past.  In his defense, Benedict begins first official speech with "At least I'm not a goddamn Jew."  Potheads get stoned and giggle when asking the date.

May

19th - Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith is released.  First Star Wars geek to post on popular forum posts negative review.  All Star Wars geeks decide the movie is bad.

23rd - New York Times announces Nuclear Apocalypse.

26th - Earth's population leaves fallout shelters to find reports of Apocalypse overplayed.

June

13th - Jackson verdict comes back not-guilty on all charges.  Symbolic doves released for each acquittal.  Verdict handed down during California's controversial Dove season.  Two doves survive first hour of freedom.

23rd - San Antonio Spurs defeat the Detroit Pistons to win the NBA Championship.  Several people tune in to watch.

24th - Tom Cruise informs Matt Lauer that Matt is glib, remains seated for entire interview.

28th - Two shark attacks occur.  Scientists offer no comment.

July

16th - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is released.  Thousands wait for hours to attend midnight releases.  Assholes shout ending spoilers at those in line.  Millions purchase from stores' ample supplies later in the day at more reasonable hour.

18th - Saddam Hussein is officially charged for crimes committed while in office.  Regales world with outbursts of "Shut the hell up!" when not making torture accusations or questioning court's legitimacy.

20th - Following much controversy over 'Hot Coffee' mod, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas rating raised from M (17+) to AO (18+).  Seventeen year olds prevented from purchasing game get parents to buy it for them.

24th - Lance Armstrong wins seventh consecutive Tour de France, aided by superior aerodynamics resulting from removed testicle.  French complain, bathe irregularly.

August

1st - Rafael Palmeiro suspended from Major League Baseball for steroid use.  During appeal, Palmeiro claims he thought the pills were for erectile dysfunction.

7th - Dan Marino enshrined in pro football Hall of Fame, assuaging fear that "Laces In" incident would hurt chances.

23rd - BIIP premieres Harry Potter and the Plot to Corrupt Your Children.  Harry Potter fans from the United States to Scandinavia all miss the point.

28th - Hurricane Katrina strikes southern states, decimating New Orleans.  Millions debate who is responsible for flooding of a port city built below sea level.  George Bush declared responsible, possibly through use of Hurricane Machine.

September

8th - Mexican troops cross U.S. border to offer aid in hurricane ravaged south.  Office "funny guys" nationwide consider themselves genius for finding a way to make joke of this scenario. 

October

5th - National Hockey League returns.  ESPN airs high school football highlights.

16th - Ricky Williams returns from sabbatical to play football for Miami Dolphins.  Fans angered when Williams stops running on 3-yard line to "get in touch with his inner Ricky."

26th - Chicago White Sox end 88 year World Series Championship drought.  Yankees counter by purchasing the city of Chicago.

26th - Sheryl Swoopes comes out.  Nation shocked at idea of a lesbian in the WNBA.

31st - Halloween.  November officially cancelled.

December

25th - Jesus turns 2,004.  Holds quiet celebration with closest friends.

31st - Jesus applies for job hosting New Year's Eve countdown.  Turned away for being too young.