Five years ago,
In our very own Galaxy...

It is a day of tragedy.  A small cell of "Rebels" have succeeding in piloting a fleet of ships into the Empire's Deathstar, destroying the space station in a suicide mission just outside the moon Yevon 4.  The attack, led my a Rebel by the name of Luke Skywalker, kills thousands and leaves the Empire with no other option: The Empire must follow the fleeing Rebels into the snow-rich caves of the planet Hoth, and wage a war for the freedom of the Galaxy's people.  Or at least, that's what they want you to believe.

Following the attacks by the Rebels the Galaxy was up in arms.  The unprovoked assault could not go unanswered.  Emperor Palpatine, his approval ratings sky-rocketing, gave an impassioned speech, vowing the Empire's willingness to hunt the Rebels to the very end of the Galaxy, and the peoples of the free Universe backed the decision. 

But, all was not as it seemed in Coruscant.  Soon, it became apparent that the War on rebellion was an unwinnable one, and many questioned the motives behind attacks in such lands as Hoth and Endor.  And then came the video, a piece of film which would open the flood gates of truth.  What truth you ask?

The Empire was responsible for the attack on the Deathstar!

"But Why?"

You may be asking yourself this very question right now, and in time I will show you.  But first, I want to share with you a piece of video.  You all have seen it countless times before, played across news broadcasts the galaxy over:

The Deathstar, following the Rebel assault, explodes killing thousands of loyal citizens of the Empire.  This is a video which still brings chills to many.  Unfortunately this video is a fake.  Is it really that hard to believe?  Just take a look at it, it doesn't even look that convincing when you think about it.  We see the start of an explosion before our view is obstructed by a rush of debris from the Deathstar.  Come on now, I know children who could make a more convincing fake.  What's more, what ship was out there filming it?  Couldn't it have been more useful, I don't know, defending the Deathstar?  No, this video was taken from a ship planted to capture the destruction to create this very hoax.  Unfortunately for the perpetrators, our Emperor included, the following video soon leaked out:

Again we see that same ball of fire engulf the Deathstar, but where did the debris go?  And where did that concussion ring come from?  The debris was added to the video to obscure the ring.  Why do that?  That's simple enough.  To hide the fact no single space-fighter could cause that kind of destruction.  There had to be explosives planted in the Deathstar, and logic dictates they had to have been placed from the inside.  Had to have been placed, by the Empire.

Think about it, it makes sense.  Approval was down for the Emperor, there were whispers of uprisings across the galaxy.  By bringing out these Rebels, creating his own fake uprising, the Emperor created a heinous attack that could cast a shadow over all thoughts of rebellion.  Unfortunately for the Empire, one attack can only carry you for so long, and so there was need for more war.  On Hoth.  On Endor.  Another Deathstar being blown up for good-measure, this time in the building stage, killing simple engineers trying to make an honest living.  If this isn't enough to convince you, please read on.  You'll see in the End.

The Deathstar Assault

As the Empire would have you believe, the Deathstar was blown up by a Rebel space fighter, utilizing a weakness found through an analysis of the schematics of the Deathstar, stolen by a Rebel spy.  This plan involved flying down the Deathstar's trench before firing upon a small ventilation shaft, causing a chain-reaction destruction.  If you aren't seeing holes in this theory, you aren't really looking.

The Assault

So we are to believe that a fleet of some 20-odd ships attacked a space station the size of a fucking moon, and the only defenses offered were some turrets and like, five fighters?  Sure it's easy to see how the ships could get by those defenses, but why would there not be more?  The place was gigantic, shouldn't there have been fleets of fighters at its disposal?  The simple answer is that the Empire didn't want the Deathstar defended, and sure as hell wouldn't be foolish enough to waste ships for the war they were working to create on a station they intended to destroy.

The Trench

As reports would have it, the Deathstar was a nearly invincible structure, with only one weakness.  Fortunately for the Rebel fighters the weakness was highlighted by a gigantic trench leading directly to it.  To counter this glaring idiocy however, the Deathstar lined the trench with Ion cannons.  Which could only shoot at upward angles.  Atop the trench.  What does it mean?  It means this one weakness, which could destroy the entire station, was protected by cannons which became useless as soon as the Rebel fighters dared to... enter the trench they needed to enter anyway in order to reach their target. 

The Target

Having braved the three or four fighters, and dared to drop below the firing line of the canons, the Rebel extremists had only one task left to do.  They had to launch their torpedoes down a ventilation shaft 2 meters wide, into the heart of the Deathstar, causing a chain reaction that would destroy the station.  Now, if you were spending trillions of credits on building a huge space station would you not seek to defend it?  Would you then not analyze your plans for weaknesses and if you find one fix it, rather then creating a trench to guide enemies to it?  Failing that would you put some canons where they could actually fire on the enemy?  And when it all comes down to it, if all the above is too much work, wouldn't you think to put a fucking piece of grating over the one shaft which could destroy everything?

The Chain-reaction

Guess not.  At least, not if you're the Empire, since they apparently did none of the above.  Even still, what I have pointed out thus far could be merely considered idiocy, something none of us would put beyond this Galactic Administration.  The final piece to this puzzle however, is the chain reaction.  What the fuck?  One torpedo will not cause a reaction that will destroy a station that big.  Period.  To buy that that is what happened is sheer stupidity.  The destruction created in the above video clearly shows a concussion so huge it could only be explained by explosive charges being dispersed throughout the Deathstar.  'How could the Rebels have done that?' you might ask.  Simple.  They couldn't.  The explosives had to have been planted by the Empire, to create the explosion, and ultimately, the War.

The Interested Parties

The number of conspirators in on this hoax stretches well into the thousands, no doubt bought off by piles and piles of Imperial Credits.  To shed light on them all would take more time than any of us have, but I present to you some of the more pertinent players.

Han Solo

Han Solo was accused of aiding the Rebel assault on the Deathstar, even destroying an Imperial Fighter just seconds before it killed the Rebel Leader Skywalker.  There is one problem with that however.  Mr. Solo is said to have fired upon a fighter which was not even attacking him, despite assertions by many that knew him that Solo was an honorable man who would never fire upon a person without being fired upon first.  What's more, there are reports Mr. Solo's ship, the Millennium Falcon, was seen leaving the Deathstar shortly before the assault.  Why would the Empire let someone who was clearly against them go free?  It makes no sense, unless he was only at the Deathstar getting final instructions for his role in the hoax.

The Princess

The plans which were analyzed for weaknesses were said to have been stolen by a one Princess Leia, and then passed on through droids into the hands of Ben Kenobi.  Unfortunately, what the Empire never told you was that Kenobi was in fact the teacher of none other than Empire second-in-command Darth Vader.  Or the fact that the R2-unit which stored the plans had spent a great deal of time with Kenobi and Vader in Vader's youth.  Or that the droid which accompanied the R2 was built by Vader.  But, worst of all, the fact that Leia was in fact, the daughter of Vader.

Which brings us to...

Luke Skywalker

Skywalker was the claimed leader of the Deathstar assault, and the one said to have fired the fateful torpedo, as well as one of the few survivors.  How convenient for the Empire, as the hunt for Skywalker was one of the primary causes given to justify the war.  Skywalker, along with his spiritual leader Yoda (who despite many fraudulent videos released, has in fact been dead for several years), had to be hunted down to end their war, which was said to be over their religious beliefs in "the force."  Oh, and did we mention he is actually Leia's sister, and was on board the Falcon when it left the Deathstar?

That's right, the man who was alleged to have destroyed the Deathstar was allowed to freely leave it just a brief time prior, perhaps because he was the son of the man charged with protecting it.

What it All Means

Look, I can see where individual details may not do it for you.  So a couple hundred troopers from the Is'Ryal system were granted leave just days before the attack.  Coincidence. Tapes from the second attack feature a clear "Pull Up" command, a call to ignite demolitions.  Shit Happens.  But look at it all; the trench, the father, the chain-reaction and you can clearly see that our Empire has lied to us.  Because honestly, you'd have to be a two-year old to view the drivel the Empire calls fact as plausible rather than anything short of stupid.  If you need more proof, look no further than our book (only 40 Imperial Credits) or our movie (60 IC), now for sale in our online shop.