Those of you who are in my poker group from Sparta know that we're a pretty rough crew.  The law is not our friend, and we make no illusions toward the contrary.  Hardly a week goes by when we don't find ourselves being hassled by Johnny Law, but fortunately we've got some connections, so we don't usually get charged with anything, much less go to trial.  Sometimes we do.

COUNTY COURT
LAW DIVISION ORIGINAL
INDICTMENT NO. 867-53

B E F O R E:

          HON. JAMES WILLIAMS, J.S.C.

A P P E A R A N C E S:
 

          FRANCIS DUBOIS, ESQ.
          Attorney for the State

          COREY THOMAS INGANAMORT, ESQ.
          Attorney for Defendant

ROBERT P. INGRAM                    
Certified Shorthand Reporter          

(Reader's Note - on today's episode, the part of Judge James Williams will be played by actor and BIIP friend, Sir Anthony Hopkins.  The part of Francis Dubois will be played by Meatwad.) 

Your Honor, before you sits some of the worst scum this earth has to offer.  The havoc they have caused in this society is equaled by few alive, and my only regret in pursuing this case is that I cannot put them all away for a longer time.  On the ni-

Your Judgeship, I object!

On what grounds?

Um...he's being a dick?

Overruled.  Mister Dubois, please continue.

He's French?

No.  Mr. Dubois?

Thank you your Honor.  As I was saying, on the night in question these men committed a truly heinous act, so heinous I felt it necessary to provide the court with a reenactment.  If I could, I would like to call up the young man who was working the window at the Wendy's Dining Establishment.

Objection!  That is no young man, he's gotta be like...30.

Mr. Inganamort, sit down.

Thank you.  Now, I have several slides, and this young man will explain them for the court.  Please, begin.

Okay, well I work the headset.  It's a pretty difficult job but I manage it.  Well, these guys pull up and I can tell they're going to be trouble, so to be safe I took out my Junior Detective license.  Just in case.  Well, while the two were ordering, the one in the car behind them was going "Uhh."

Uhh?

Yes, "Uhh."

Uhhhh.

Yeah, like that.

Great, then what happened?

Well, they pulled forward to get their food...and, I hesitate to say this in such company, but the one was making obscene gestures at the car behind him.  At this point though, they were at Frankie's window, so I went in back to get the phone.  Just in case.

Thank you.  If you would be so kind as to fill us in now Frankie.

Gladly.  Well, as Charlie said, they were being like, really rude and stuff.

And where was Mr. DeLuca at this point?

I'm, uh....not really sure.

Your Honor, if it please the court, we have reason to believe Mr. Deluca was running an illegal animal-fighting ring at the time.

So noted.

Thank you.  Frankie, please continue.

Well at this point that DeLuca guy came up and was all, "You didn't give me any ketchup."  I think he was shouting racial slurs too.

Racial slurs?  Like what?

Well, like...ya know.  The N-Word, the S-Word.

But you're white.

Cracker.  I meant cracker.  And Honkie.

Despicable.

So then he like, totally hopped on his friend's car and stuff.

Is that all he did?

No, he also kicked a dog in the face.  A cute dog.

Did you give them their food?

Yes your Honor.

I'm not the judge.

Oh.  Well, that's when they went and sat down in front of the store, and I called the cops.

Thank you, that's all for me.

Mr. Inganamort, your cross-examination?

Yeah thanks man.  So...Frankie is it?  Frank, is it or is it not true that you are 30?

Um...yeah it's true.

Your Honor, I rest my case.

Mr. Inganamort, do you realize we have several witnesses left?

Yes I do.

So you realize you cannot rest your case.

Mr. Inganamort do you have any idea what I'm talking about?

Oh totally.

Sit down Mr. Inganamort.

Your Honor, I now call to the stand Officer Jenkins.  Officer Jenkins please explain what happened this fateful night.

I was down the street at Dunkin' Donuts getting some coffee when I got the call.  I didn't really feel like it, but I gave the lot a good circling.  I don't know, they just looked like a bunch of college kids.

Did you return after that?

Yeah, that little guy called again and they sent me back.

And you found them destroying the place no doubt.

Actually they were just kind of sitting there.  Pretty boring place to sit if you ask me, but to each his own.

Wow, nice witness there boss.

Mr. Inganamort I will hold you in contempt if I here another outburst like that.

Careful judge, you don't want him to bring out the big arms.

What?  Who are you?

I'm the obscene-gesture guy.  Hey, are you the guy I should talk to about suing them?  My patty wasn't spicy.  It's not a spicy chicken sandwich without the spicy.

Yeah!  And I got dirt on the back of my pants.

I will have order in this- Good God you're small!

I am aware, your Honor.

I move this court be thrown out.  The cops were only called because my client is black.

But, your client's white.

Oh no you don't, I saw the slides.  He is black as...I don't know, a black guy, I guess.

No, that was just a demonstration.  You're client is right over there, and very white.

Yeah, I really am Corey.

You all suck.

If I throw this case out, will you all get the hell out of my courtroom?

Yes'r.

Yep.

Yeah.

Shut the hell up!

Uhh.

Good enough.  Case dismissed.

And so ended another successful bout with the public prosecution gang.  Sparta Crew 17 - The Feds 1 (though tennis ball related crimes shouldn't even count.)