Help Me!  I Appear to Be

Nobody wants to watch 'Lost.'  This is not speculation, it's fact.  Don't believe me?  Go outside and find any 'Lost' watcher.  You can recognize us by our 1,000 mile stare, our bloodshot eyes.  You can spot us by the patches of missing hair, torn out subconsciously while simply trying to comprehend what we just watched.  You can even hear the 'Lost' in us, that distinct sound of a voice being nearly gone, having been used extensively to scream "NO!  That did not just happen!"  What the hell was she doing in the insane asylum?  What the fuck?

Then how does it happen?  How does a show that nobody wants to be watching become one of the top shows in America?  Simple.  We hate each other.  Nobody likes to admit it, but we hate each other.  If we have to deal with something, Goddamnit everybody else will too.  And so it was that my friend Kevin came to pass on the plague of 'Lost' to me.  "I have the first season on DVD, just give it a try," he said.  "I'm sure you'll like it," he offered, somehow repressing the maniacal laughter.  And so, not knowing the drastic change in my life I was about to bring on, I sat down to play some online poker, and dropped disk one into my DVD player, to have on in the background.

If you were to ask a group of 'Losties' to describe their descent into addiction, you will find a very distinct pattern.  Rest assured, I was no different.  As the first few episodes played I was dismissive.  "Ha, I laugh at your TV show Kevin, and would never become addicted like you.  I mean, I don't think this show is really all that intriguing, and I don't think anything could make me that inter- was that a polar bear?" 

Yes.  It was a Polar bear.

On a random tropical island.  Touché 'Lost.'

For you see, therein lies the heart-and-soul of this show.  The plots which it presents are so mind-blowingly complex and seemingly insane that you think, 'there is no way in hell they can tie this all in and have it make sense.  But damnit I want to see them try.'

Within five or six episodes the show will grab you.  You are its bitch, and it will assert that.  How can a show assert dominance you may ask?  Easy; by thoroughly beating down every single idea you think you have.  Look at that hardened criminal Sawyer, he must be why the Marshal was there, and not for Kate the smoking hot brunette.  Or not.  Oh Joy!  A boat has found the floating raft, all will be well.  Or perhaps the boat will take Walt the psychic child and then blow up the raft.  Damn.  Well surely this hatch they have found will be empty.  Or there's a random guy who Jack saw running in a stadium years earlier, and he's rocking out to Do-wop while doing sit-ups down there.

I once watched a movie called 'Mulholland Drive.'  It was an awful movie.  As in really painfully bad.  It was also confusing, extremely so.  It is so confusing the case of the DVD contains 10 clues to figuring the movie out, and it still is batshit-insanely crazy.  I did not enjoy this movie.  I watched it three times.  And spent hours online reading about it.  I just couldn't let it live in my mind not making sense, so I did all I could to force it to make sense, hating every minute of it.

I don't know what's going on on 'Lost.'  I am not ashamed to admit it.  I watch this show, and I pay attention, and at the end of every episode I am more lost than when the episode begins.  No pun intended.  And yet, when the time rolls around for the next episode I wait eagerly, thinking it's going to make everything clear for me.  If you don't watch 'Lost', you're laughing at me right now.  If you do, you're probably sighing quietly.

See that girl on the left?  That's Kate.  Some of Kate's favorite past-times on the island include finding reasons to strip down to her bra and panties, and then going swimming.  At least that used to be the case.  That's the problem with this hatch that's been introduced.  Not only does it further facilitate the confusing-as-fuck plot-twists, it has greatly cut into time spent around the ocean and lakes of the island, reducing the occurrences of the image on the left.  That's just not right.

All in all this has very little to do with this article, but to be honest, who's going to complain?  I found an excuse to incorporate this image, and you should all thank me for it.

Back before it premiered, when I saw commercials for 'Lost' I thought to myself 'well there's no way this can go on for more than a season.'  Kind of like 'Prison Break.'  Now I find myself wondering how the hell they're going to pack it into the four or six seasons that I have heard the show will be allotted.

Sit back and think about it.  Less than two seasons into the show and there are already more loose ends than in a Vegas brothel.  When are we going to see Walt and Michael again?  How about Danielle?  How is it legal for somebody to be as badass as Mr. Eko?  How many dozen more times will we see flashbacks about Jack?  Oh, and then of course there's the freaking door.

The scary thought is that they still have thirty-something nameless characters they can kill off just to mess with us.  Starting with Steve.  Or Scott.  Whichever one it is that's still alive.  Which by the way, does anybody even know?  How many times have they used that joke?  10, 20?  And yet I haven't the faintest idea which one got all his bones broked and which one remains in his blissful existence as a faceless punchline.  I don't know what that means, but it's true.  No idea.

Actually, this is why the scantily-clad Kate adorns the page a few inches above here; to remind us of what we've gotten into.  There are so many characters, and so many plot devises that they can leave characters out for episodes at a time, and then spring them on us out of nowhere all stealth like.  The show has literally infinite possibilities.  Hell, the smoke-monster's only been around twice this season, and let's not forget all the miracles.

And we all know this.  'Lost' fans will not even try to deny they are clueless.  We will not deny that this show will amount to years of being ruined on a whenever-they-feel-like-airing-an-episode basis.  It's common knowledge going into an episode that the viewers mind is going to be blown at least once, possibly to the point of incontinence.  And yet, we tune in, without fail.

It isn't that 'Lost' is like an addiction, it's more like it's, I don't know... crack, is the best analogy I can come up with.  Okay, so I guess it's actually very much like an addiction.  You know 'Lost' is bad for you, you don't want to have to keep watching 'Lost,' but heaven help you if you miss your fix.

Fortunately for 'Lost' addicts nation-wide, here in America 'Lost' has the single most consistent airing schedule of any show on TV.  The show does have the occasional hiatus, as is to be expected for a show with production as grand as this, but we 'Losties' know better than to complain about that.  If we weren't presented with a five week break every two episodes, our brains would explode from the shear awesome that is 'Lost.'  ABC is simply looking out for our best interest. 

Are you beginning to see it?  Are you beginning to see the beauty of 'Lost'?  First it lulls you to sleep, makes you bring down your defenses, and once you do, trouble.  Hatches, and secret numbers.  Others and Tailies.  Jin and Sun.  Okay, the last two weren't really a twist, I just really like Jin and Sun.  Anyways, as I was saying, when you least expect it, 'Lost' hits you with a twist.  A twist so baffling, so mind-boggling and obscure you can't possibly make sense of it.  Then it goes away, for months at a time, ensuring you have plenty of time for it to ferment.  Time to postulate and guess, but ultimately to allow you to come to the only sane conclusion: you must tune in to the next episode, because if you don't, this is going to gnaw away at you until you go insane.  It's genius.

It's also what leads to crappy emo kids leaving suicide notes that look like this:

Don't get me wrong, emo kids popping themselves is a good thing.  Guys with bangs and more make-up than a streetwalking whore are something we could all do without, but this isn't about emo kids.  The extent to which this show can mess with you is beyond words.  'Lost' is a travesty.  'Lost' is a pox on our society.  'Lost' is EVIL.

Fuck, I got to run!  It's on