"What is the opposite of your ribcage?" - Jon

"If the file you specified is not there, you are in deep yogurt." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

"Programming is a contact sport. Put a helmet on and go in and hit somebody." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

"Scope - it's not just the green stuff you use in the morning." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250 (programming joke, honk if you get it!!)

"It's called 'Weeds.' It's about this woman who lives in the country and smokes marijauna. It's terrific, I love it. That's my favorite show, aside from 'Pimp My Ride.'" - Dr. Lynn Waterhouse, HON-326

"Ooh, yeah, get Kate to do it, she's a freakin' Amazon. Like Xena! She's Kate, Warrior Princess!" - Brandon

"I'll ask the paperclip. That'll help." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

"An hour might be nice. But forever? I don't know, I think I'd chafe." - Me (best not to clarify this quote as my parents read this site occasionally)

"My sister gave me an alien for Christmas...! I'm just kidding, I don't have a sister. I don't have an alien, either." - Laurie

"Now, once we have weiner dogs as ends in themselves, it is clear that something has gone drastically wrong." - Dr. James S. Taylor, HON-355

"They're making Zombie Babies." - Brad (again, I think it's better if we just leave the explanation for this one to the imagination)

"She's bebanged." - Laurie

"As long as I get to kill things with a seven-foot sword, I'm happy." - Rob

"These birds flying around here, are they from outside? Or are they merchandise, with just one step between themselves and freedom?" - Brad at Petsmart, watching the birds flying around the ceiling

"You know, for someone who's depressed, you sure do like to talk a lot." - Dr. Lynn Waterhouse, HON-326

Me: "Two weeks--that's fourteen changes of underwear."
Brad: "If you're lucky."

"All right, moving on. Why do I want to stab people?" - Laurie, while holding a cake knife

Laurie: "She's the one who dated the guy who had purple pubic hair."
Me: "You didn't tell me that story."

"Compare-y cake." - Jon, offering the literal English translation for the Chinese word for "pizza"

Brad: "That was stupid. Don't talk anymore. Sorry."
Dan: "That's OK, I wasn't going to talk anyway."
Brad: "Then I have won."

"Yeah, go ahead and troop-move. Troop-move all over the place." - Me

"The monster formerly known as Cookie." - Rob

"Yes, I have a fruity taste." - Rob, being questioned about his five, or rather four, senses

"You got any cheat codes for this game?" - Rob, while going down in flames during a game of Risk

"Great. Now my entire empire consists of New Jersey and Mexico." - Rob, also during Risk

"All right, so, next game, whoever gets Brazil, I'm killing you and taking it." - Rob, having finally lost the game

Me (as I'm losing control of China during a game of Risk): "But I want my dumplings."
Rob: "Well, you're not getting your dumplings."
Dan: "Or your rice. Or noodles. Or wontons."
Laurie (looks up from her book): "Oh, you guys were gonna order Chinese?"

"You took over half the world with like 25 guys." - Rob to Me, during Risk (OK, maybe this isn't that funny or profound, but there's big bragging rights there)

Rob: "You're talking about pirating a boardgame."
Dan: "Well, sure. We could print out the board. Print out little paper pieces and assemble them."
Rob: "Or we could just dress up like pirates, run into a Toys 'R' Us, and steal a copy of Risk."

"Shut up...sorry, no, I don't mean shut up. I mean, talk as much as you want, just not about that." - Brad

"Where's my big knife?" - Rose

"A tip: if you eat a banana and then drink some hot cocoa, it makes your mouth taste like an armpit." - Laurie

"No...I like my hair but I wanna rip it out right now." - Sean

Me (looking at Sean's website): "You spelled 'our' wrong."
Sean: "I can't spell! You know me...I let one slip, and that's a good day."
(pause)
Meagan: "Did you fart or something?"

"As soon as I finished playing ball, I had a blood war." - David, mispronouncing some Chinese into an English translation

"John Bender, you're too tall. Every time I see you, I want to take an axe and chop you." - Rachel Wu

"Don't geek out on me." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

"Hey, I could win an XBox." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250, reading his Diet Pepsi cap to the class

"OK, now that we've heard the Microsoft song..." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250, starting up class

"I'm tired of eating out. I'm tired of eating out of vending machines." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250, whose fridge is broken

"When you hit the zero threshold, that's when I start to feel sorry for you and just stop at that." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250, on his grading scheme

"Teletubbies is made by a bunch of British hippies who are all stoned and just have their own show." - Prof. Phil Sanders, IMM-370

"There's conflict in the Teletubbies--have you ever seen the episode where Tinky Winky's purse gets stuck in a tree? It's heartwarming." - Prof. Phil Sanders, IMM-370

"Aww, now I have to hear myself when I die." - Chris Canik

Me: "What, were you just gonna pull an XBox out of your back pocket?"
Sean: "No, not really."
Rob: "Yeah, those things are really big, you'd need some huge pants. They're the size of a VCR, drop one out of a tree and you could kill an elephant."

Rob: "Chris, what the hell are you doing up there?"
Chris: "I'm glowing."

"What the hell is a Monkey Butler?" - Dr. Lynn Waterhouse, HON-326

"The laundry basket just attacked the back of my head but I was defended by my lucky Blowpop." - Laurie

"I always thought of Santa as the ultimate club bouncer." - Brad

"There are ladies present. Apologize to Kate & Tony." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

"Half of you will sit here and chuckle while the other half of you will really become insane." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

Chris(to Yvette, during Risk): "How many cards do you have? 3? 4? 5? 6?"
Yvette: "Your mother."
Chris: "My mother's a big card."

"Pants stay on or everyone will become unconscious." - Rob

Rob(speaking an insult): "Your mom."
Me: "Your mom."
Rob: "Your uncle's brother's sister's cousin's former roommate."

"Just make sure everyone's something stays in their something pants." - Chris

"Winning's for losers." - Me

Me: "I can't trust you. You're plotting."
Sean: "I'm plotting for happy bunnies for all, actually."

Rob (his alliance being betrayed by Yvette during Risk): "No, you lie! You lie! "
Chris: "Raaaa-AAAAAAAAAAAAGE!"

"My nation-state will be called 'Bob'." - Rob

Me: "There's this other shareware font called 'GroupSex' with the letters all made up of stick people in lewd sexual positions."
Laurie: "Ew!"
Me: "I know, it's gross."
Rose: "Why did you download it, then?"
Me: "I wanted to see how they made the 'Q'."

"According to my Palm Pilot, which is the God of all events pertaining to me..." - Dan

"I have a retainer too that I'm supposed to wear every night and I do. It's starting to smell like cheese." - Dan

"I would be frighteningly obese if the dining hall served pasta every day." - Chris

Tim (wanders back into class from the bathroom): "You had an entire discussion while I was in the bathroom? Wow."
John: "It was great. We had circus bears."

"My mom was one happy 5-year-old." - Tim

Prof. Waterhouse (Class ends at 11:20): "Those of you not smiling right now? What's the problem?"
PJ: "It's been 10:57 for like ten minutes!"

"Stuff can blow up in a chemistry lab. What's the worst that can happen to you in a geology lab? I mean...you have a big rock fall on you?" - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

"Hah-hah. Another country called 'Ren.' Where's Stimpy?" - Rob

"Everything goes with Communism." - Dan

"I once sang that song for three hours because my mom would not tell me to stop." - Laurie

"I'm a car toy?" - Rob

"Her cannon's in your crotch. Get it out." - Chris

"When you go home at night, do you just plug yourself in?" - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250, when Dan's Palm Pilot beeps in class

"I wish I could draw the Biohazard symbol." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

"You've actually heard a dog say 'bark'?" - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

"It just happens automagically." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

Prof. Lynn Waterhouse: "63% of Americans are overweight."
PJ:"That's gross."
Prof. Lynn Waterhouse: "I'm gross, shut up."

"You're in college, man. Use the words with all the syllables." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

"You are expendable. Go forth and die in my name." - Rob

Me: "If a chicken asked me if I was 'ready to rock', I'd probably be too busy screaming to answer."
Laurie: "I'd be too busy asking the chicken other questions. Like, 'sh*t, when did you learn to talk?'...'If I ate one of your cousins, would you be mad at me?'"

"I haven't seen my ears lately." - Rob

"So in other words, I'm like Google." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

"I think you're in for an interesting day if you're having a schizophrenic morning at 1 o'clock in the afternoon." - Brad

(PJ has just offered a coding solution to a question in class)
Prof. Peter DePasquale: "Well, that's right but there's a slightly sexier way to do that."
PJ: "Oh, I don't know. I could say it in a deeper voice."

"Holy crap, don't kill me!" - Rob

Kyle:"No, he's just saying he likes bubbles."
Prof. Peter DePasquale: "And I like cheesesteaks. But that has nothing to do with binary searches, does it?"

"They give safety seminars warning little children about sickos like you two! Don't give out mustardy bananas on Halloween!" - Katie Warnock (no, she wasn't talking to me!!)

"Here's some code for you. Code is your friend. Embrace it and love it." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

Me: "Do you really shower at night and then sleep in your clothes for the next day?"
Dan: "Yes...it's more efficient."
Me: (laughs)"Do you at least splash some water in your face or something when you wake up?"
Dan: "No...that would be cold, not efficient."

Prof. Peter DePasquale: "What is this test you all failed in?
Kyle: "Advanced Engineering Math."
Prof. Peter DePasquale: "What does Advanced Engineering Math entail? Adding and subtracting?"

"I'm preaching to the choir. Which means you all have to sing now." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250

"Ooh, now I can shop." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250, on finding a flyer left in the classroom

"You need special glasses with anti-aliasing because the world is pixelated." - James Babu

(Dan and I are studying for Computer Science.)
Me: "OK, I'm going to give you a list of numbers and I'm going to take the same list of numbers, and we're each going to draw a binary search tree. OK, Dan? You got that?"
Dan: "...numbers..."

(Right before the Computer Science final, Dan is reading his textbook.)
Me: "My Chinese professor has a saying for students studying right before a final exam. He calls it 'praying at the feet of the Buddha.'"
Dan (looks around): "That's a good idea. Where's Buddha?"

"In our first class, we discovered something rather interesting. You people are all very confused." - Dr. James S. Taylor, HON-355

"We can distribute grades at random, or my preferred method is to sell them." - Dr. James S. Taylor, HON-355

(Professor Taylor is attempting to continue a class discussion.)
"All right, who else? Stephanie has already told us that she and her community are evil and that she quite possibly is a witch." - Dr. James S. Taylor, HON-355

Lori: "There's no benefit to killing old ladies."
Dr. Taylor: "Sure there is. It's fun."

"We're going to want to cram as many components as possible into these computers. That way, there are more things to break that will fly everywhere and kill people. We want to make this as amusing as possible." - Bryce

"I'm the one who gets to jam it all down your throat and get my boot and stick it in there to make sure it stays." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250, on his teaching technique

"It seems that what flies through the air is what makes the biggest moral difference to you. And I have no idea why." - Dr. James S. Taylor, HON-355

"I really don't wanna use my house as a holding cell." - Bryce

"I'm gonna die after this meeting. It was fun being your president." - Bryce

"Ooh, I like that. I think I'm writing that down." - Bryce

"Bear in mind, Stephanie's arguments take us to sterilization and slavery fairly quickly." - Dr. James S. Taylor, HON-355

"Does the good of you having toothpaste outweigh the bad of people starving to death in Africa?" - Dr. James S. Taylor

"Let's say I want you all to be happy. We're moving into the realm of fiction here, but let's just assume I do." - Dr. James S. Taylor

Dr. Taylor: "Have you heard of a person named Jimmy Carter?"
Lori: "Actually, no...is that bad? Should I have?"

"I am not 7-11. You do not just pull in, show me your code, grab a slushie, and leave." - Dr. Peter Depasquale, CSC-250, on student-teacher tutoring after class

"Now Anup, scientifically, can you kill someone who is already dead?" - Dr. James S. Taylor

"I'm glad I wasn't there for my circumcision." - George

"We're just trying to determine interest, who's willing to sell themselves, then we'll set a date." - Bryce

"So your view is 'Stephanie versus God, Stephanie wins.'" - Dr. James S. Taylor, HON-355

"If New Jersey took on New York, we'd probably win this time. We're a lot angrier and a lot more people now." - Andrew Chiusano

Me (to Andrew): "What would you wear if you were a cartoon character?"
Andrew: (smiles devilishly)
Gary: "Nothing?"
Andrew: "You're close."
Gary: "Ugh God, it's leopard print, isn't it?"

Andrew: "Don't say anything!"
Gary: "I'm not saying anything, I'm just thinking loudly."

"Oh, I just got several ideas." - Gary

Me: "You don't want to ask yourself questions like that, you'll just give yourself a headache."
Gary: "So I guess you're not a philosopher."
Me: "No, I am--I just get headaches."

"Oh my God, I have money, I can eat!" - Bryce

"I'm just resting my teeth." - Andrew Chiusano

"So when you say your computer 'caught fire'...are we talking like, flame on?" - Elizabeth

"I had blue ink all over my face yesterday. It was awesome!" - Bryce

"Oh my God, I had the best idea for what we can do with all those starving children in Africa...and China....and all over the world. We can bring them to the United States, strap harnesses to them and make them into seeing-eye children." - Bryce

"If anyone needs a seeing-eye child, see Kate after this meeting." - Bryce

"You may have a class of the progeny of Plato. Conversely, you may have a class of mentally retarded groundhogs." - Dr. James S. Taylor, HON-355

"And he watches Nascar all the time. Little cars going around in circles until one of them crashes." - Dr. James S. Taylor, HON-355

"Breathing is risky. You can inhale insects and they can choke you. People die in the US every day from inhaling insects. This is true. And amusing." - Dr. James S. Taylor, HON-355

"I love your mom. Is she single?" - Bryce

"Why is the mere fact that you'll be eating jam a deal-breaker?" - Dr. James S. Taylor, HON-355

"What if there were a few outlyers like Lauren and Kate, who torture penguins?" - Dr. James S. Taylor, HON-355

"Suicide is imminent for many of you. I recommend that you do it in an amusing fashion; in public, using trampolines." - Dr. James S. Taylor, HON-355

"Babies like to stare at me, which is kind of disturbing." - Andrew Chiusano

"It's not a bug, it's a feature." -Prof. Phil Sanders, Summer Research

"I heard 'polymorphism' and thought of sheep, sadly." - Chris Refsdal

"Screw you, other download." - Dan Tilden

"I have no idea how this works, but I think I understand it." - Graham Apgar

"I talk really fast when I read aloud and my mouth just tries to catch up." - Ed

"If you were upside-down right now, I'd say...'There's something different about you!'."-Professor Kenneth Kaplowitz

"This is beautiful, I have errors." - Jeff Rupert

"If you email me and I don't get back to you, I'm probably just avoiding you. - Prof. Carlsen, ADA-385

"I'll warn you the next time I'm going to slam something heavy in front of you." - Prof. Carlsen, ADA-385

Prof. Kaplowitz:"Does your guinea pig talk?"
Abe:"It complains."

"First, please don’t judge me by my hat. It just felt like a blue-and-green dinosaur kind of day, so that’s what’s happening." -Prof. Carlsen, ADA-385, wearing a blue and green knit hat with dinosaurs on it.

"I'm so digressing." - Prof. Carlsen, ADA-285

"See, I only have one pair of pants, it makes it easy." - Prof. Carlsen, ADA-385

"So I go to the Help Desk, and they're all PC-centric. They're like 'Macs? We don't know.'" - Prof. Rob Carlsen, ADA-385

"Avignon, which is actually a red-light district in Italy, so...we'll have to go, clearly." - Dr. Fichner-Rathus, AAH-370

"Oh no...zeh mouse, she eez gone!" - Dr. Fichner-Rathus, affecting a French accent, having lost the computer mouse

"So we'll have an Art History Tea, and a cleanup party." - Dr. Fichner-Rathus, AAH-370

"Here comes Matisse, I have a big stick! I'm going after him!" - Dr. Fichner-Rathus, AAH-370

"It's got fabulous pictures of Picasso. I mean, look, he looks like a little bald elf." - Dr. Fichner-Rathus, AAH-370, on the course's textbook

"Tom Thumb - Super Midget, right?" - Dr. Hannold, LIT-227

"Does this have to do with intersexuality?" - Peter

"Krazy Kat with a cell phone." - Dr. Hannold, LIT-227

"Let me clean that up a little - she's a Mother Goddess!" - Dr. Hannold, LIT-227

"Slapstick is funny for everyone except the one getting slapped with a stick." - Dr. Hannold, LIT-227

"Is Mickey Mouse really married to Minnie, and what are those little mice doing there?" - Dr. Hannold, LIT-227

"They stopped having fun with udders" - Dr. Hannold, LIT-227, on censorship in cartoons after 1934

"Goodbye, semester." - Dr. Fichner-Rathus, AAH-370

"You see those three colors in front of you right now? They're like bird-blank green, as we say." - Prof. Bruce Rigby, AFA-112

"Did the printer break and they hung it on the wall?" - Andrew Chiusano

"Do you have any doubt that that one umbrella is really close to you?" - Prof. Bruce Rigby, AFA-112

"You don't have to have an iPod, Crystal. Just put the sign up; it' OK." - Prof. Bruce Rigby, AFA-112

"Little green men are going to come and make dinner. Let's go sit in the living room and wait for them." - Dr. Lynn Waterhouse, HON-326

"Can't watch Magic School Bus when you're severly depressed." - PJ

"Something about me just screams 'disabled pets.'" - Prof. Melissa Stein, HIS-301

"I really like plate tectonics. I have to calm down." - Prof. Heather Parizek, GEO-120

"There always seems to be one really good natural disaster during this course." - Prof. Heather Parizek, GEO-120

A student's cell phone rings.
"Heavy on the bass there, Danielle." - Prof. Bruce Rigby, AFA-112

A student angrily yells "Here!" after being missed simply raising his hand.
"Beg your pardon. I didn't hear your hand waving." - Dr. Hannold, LIT-227, nonplussed

"My screen's gone black." - Rob Styles, in front of the dead projector screen.

Someone in the crowd (encouraging improv): "You're a postman at the zoo!"
Ross (at the podium): "...juggle!"

"Whose laptop is up here?" - Ross, when a random desktop shows up on the projector screen

"You may click on something and it will take you to a page you want, or you may click on something and it will just lead to, Whoa." - Ross Singer

"And can someone...fix my name, please?" - Peter Barrett, looking at the GoogleDoc of the Code4Lib lightning talks

"I'm gonna screw it up, the Mexicans..." - Dan Chudnov, trying to remember names in the Library of Congress artist collections

"You know, not everything is a noun." - Devon Smith, about OOP

"I'm going to give up and go home in a minute." - Richard Wallis