1. Anger is a reaction to an inner emotion and not a planned action.
2. Anger is easier to show than other emotions: everyone gets angry.
3. The feelings underlying an anger reaction make us feel vulnerable and weak; anger makes us feel, at least momentarily, strong and in control.
4. Angry behaviors are learned throughout our lives and therefore can be unlearned and replaced with healthier patterns of coping.
5. Anger can be an immediate reaction to an isolated event or it can be a response after numerous events. To repress anger is unhealthy (Hankins and Hankins, 1988) and yet to express it impulsively, as we so often do, may give momentary relief but inevitably will carry negative consequences (Hankins and Hankins, 1988; Ellis, 1992; Luhn, 1992).

Unmanaged anger can lead to many larger problems:

• grudges
• revenge
• proliferation (yes, even in the workplace -- where does "empire-building" come from?)
• innocent victims
• cutoff of charitable feeling and inability to empathize with others
• inability to consider common ground
• a "martyr's complex" (and in the most extreme cases, even martyrdom itself)
• curses passed on to future generations

To alter our angry responses, we need to understand where anger comes from. There are a variety of factors that increase the probability of an angry reaction:

1. If we have seen our parents get angry first and resolve an issue after, we are more likely to use the same approach. Thus, types of anger are learned.
2. If we are frustrated and feel stressed, we are more likely to react with anger.
3. If we are tired, we are more prone to react in an angry fashion.
4. If we tend to hold our feelings inside rather than talk them out, we are more likely to have an angry outburst as the pressure increases much like a pressure cooker.

A momentum wheel is basically a spinning top, used for attitude control in many spacecraft. The satellite is controlled about two axes through (a) aligning the momentum wheel spin axis and (b) increasing the wheel's spin rate. You can't increase spin rate indefinitely, however: sooner or later, you have to "dump" momentum -- slowing the wheel's spin rate to zero so you can use it again -- and you need an alternative means of control while the momentum dump is going on. (Most spacecraft use reaction thrusters for this.)

Our bodies work the same way. We can't accumulate anger and frustration indefinitely without some sort of dump. The questions are (a) can we keep ourselves under control while the dump goes on? and (b) can we do the dump without breaking the spinning top right off?

Styles of Anger

Each of us develops our own special style of anger:

1. The "Mad Hatter" Driver -- This person yells, curses, and offers gestures to other drivers when s/he is in a hurry and frustrated.
2. The Sulker -- This person shuts down in a chair and stops speaking and looking at others.
3. Safe Haven Abuser -- This person takes her/his frustration out only on the ones s/he loves.
4. The Distract-or -- This person disregards the object of his annoyance by reading the paper, forgetting to run an errand, or playing the radio too loudly. When s/he is confronted, the response is: I didn't know; I forgot; I'm tired.
5. The Blamer -- This person blames everybody for everything and rarely accepts responsibility for his/her own short comings.
6. The Avenger -- This person believes s/he has been given the right to seek vengeance in any way for anything by using the excuse: they deserved it.

Anger Check List
Rate Your Anger by answering yes or no to these questions

1. People tell you that you need to calm down.
2. You feel tense much of the time.
3. At work, you find yourself not saying what is on your mind.
4. When you are upset, you try to block the world out by watching TV, reading a book or magazine, or going to sleep.
5. You are drinking or smoking marijuana/drugs almost daily to help you calm down.
6. You have trouble going to sleep.
7. You feel misunderstood or not listened to much of the time.
8. People ask you not to yell or curse so much.
9. Your loved ones keep saying that you are hurting them.
10. Friends do not seek you out as much as they once did.

Scoring of YES Answers

• MANAGEABLE (0-2): you could benefit from relaxation training.
• MODERATE (3-5): you need to learn more about what stresses you, and learn stress management techniques.
• OUT OF CONTROL (6 and up): you have an anger problem that could benefit from learning anger management techniques.

Anger reactions have been likened to a train running out of control and about to derail. A little anger can motivate us to take action in positive ways. A lot of anger will make us "red with rage." The price for anger that is out of control will drive away those whom we love the most and endanger our employment.

Forgiveness

Does forgiveness benefit those who are forgiven? For our own anger management purposes, we don't care. The fact is that it benefits those who forgive. Much of our anger comes from our perception of being wronged by others around us. If we forgive those wrongs, we take a step toward a momentum dump. Here are some things to remember about forgiveness:

• It's not "reconciliation." Reconciliation requires a response. Even if we forgive someone, if that someone doesn't respond we won't forget.
• It's not a fair trade. "I'll do this for you if you do that for me" is NOT the same thing.
• It's not magic. A state of forgiveness may not last forever untended. You may find yourself wishing you hadn't forgiven, even if forgiveness dulled the bitterness you felt before. If you renege on forgiving, though, the bitterness will bite you in the butt.
• It doesn't make you "soft." To forgive others may even make you stronger.
• It helps you socially. There are unspoken social agreements, and festering grudges violate most of them.