Services & Resources

Office of Anti-Violence Initiatives (OAVI)

OAVI Procedures Flow Chart

Initial Contact Advocacy Network (ICAN)

Additional TCNJ Resources:

Health Services

Psychological Counseling Services

Residential Education & Housing

Campus Police Services

Community Standards

Healthy Relationships

Tools for Victims and Survivors

The Consexual Creed -- a pledge of sexual respect from Ending the Violence

Office of Anti-Violence Initiatives (OAVI)

The OAVI has a wide variety of resources available to the campus community including:

Sexual Assault Education Coordination, a service that Ms. Deitch-Stackhouse provides to campus groups where she acts as a speaker, adviser, and educator on issues of student behavior, sexual assault, and prevention & reporting.

Awareness & Education Events, a series of campus activities aimed at educating students and staff about issues relating to sexual and domestic abuse.

Tools and Contacts, a variety of handouts, phone numbers, and booklets available to members of campus who are seeking information.

Counseling and Logistical Support, a number of services provided directly to victims according to victim's needs, including review of resource options, counseling, and replacement of items collected during investigations to re-establish a safe, comfortable living environment.

Consultation and Debriefing, a service provided to staff/faculty/police working with victims of sexual assault and domestic violence during investigatory process or as a follow-up to prevent secondary traumas.

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Tools for Victims and Survivors

Sexual assault is an umbrella term that encompasses a variety of unwanted or forced sexual situations; including, being touched on intimate body parts, penetration of the genitalia, or being exposed to others’ genitals. The majority of assaults experienced by college aged women and men are committed by people who are acquaintances, friends, ex or current dating partners of victims.

*For this reason, the materials in this section will be geared toward victims and survivors of familiar sexual assault as compared to stranger assaults.

Victims and survivors of sexual assault have a variety of reactions, ranging in duration and intensity. Although the symptoms may be similar, the experience can be quite unique from one survivor to another. Reactions can also be impacted by the social support network, prior emotional and physical health, current stressors, and experience coping with trauma.

Even though the post-assault experience can vary, we have found from surveys done during Welcome Week that there are some similarities in the attitudes and beliefs of people who have been victims. To help empower former victims and current survivors, we have provided the following tools that can be used as a guide through the healing process and beyond. To find out if you could benefit from these materials, consider asking yourself the questions below.

Do you have a hard time stating your sexual limits and sticking to them?

Yes or No

Do you tend to do things you don’t want to do in relationships?

Yes or No

Do your partners ignore the limits you set in sexual situations?

Yes or No

If you said yes to one or more of these questions, we may be able to help.

Challenges communicating with hookup and dating partners can potentially be overcome by:

Recognizing that you have the right to express yourself and have your feelings and beliefs respected.
Communicating your thoughts in an assertive manner.

For more information on #1, check out the following:

Dating Bill of Rights
Personal Bill of Rights
Hookup Bill of Rights

For more information on #2, check out the following:

Assertive, Nonassertive, and Aggressive Behaviors
How To Do Assertiveness
Assertive Behavior: Ideas to keep in mind
Test Your Assertiveness

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Dating Bill of Rights

I HAVE THE RIGHT:

To ask for a date.
To refuse a date.
To suggest ideas for activities we can do on a date.
To refuse any activities.
To be heard.
To have my own feelings.
To have my feelings be respected.
To express my opinions and thoughts.
To speak without being interrupted.
To refuse to lend money.
To refuse affection.
To have “No” mean no.

I HAVE THE RESPONSIBILITY:

To determine my limits.
To respect the limits of others.
To communicated clearly and honestly.
To not violate the limits of others.
To ask for help when I need it.
To be considerate, but not submissive or aggressive.

Author unknown

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Personal Bill of Rights

I HAVE THE RIGHT TO:

To ask for what I want.
To refuse requests or demands I can’t meet.
To express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
To change my mind.
To make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
To follow my own values and standards.
To say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
To determine my own priorities.
To not be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
To expect honesty from others.
To be angry at someone I love.
To be uniquely myself.
To feel scared and say “I’m afraid.”
To say “I don’t know.”
To not give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
To make decisions based on my feelings.
To my own needs for personal space and time.
To be playful and frivolous.
To be healthier than those around me.
To be in a nonabusive environment.
To make friends and be comfortable around people.
To change and grow.
To have my needs and wants respected by others.
To be treated with dignity and respect.
To be happy.

Photocopy the above list and post it in a conspicuous place. By taking time to carefully read through the list every day, you will eventually learn to accept that you are entitled to each one of the rights enumerated.

The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, pg 278.

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Hookup Bill of Rights

I HAVE THE RIGHT:

To choose who I am with and when.

To go only as far as I want sexually and then stop.

To verbalize what I want sexually.

To say “No” or “I don’t want to” if my partner wants to do something I don’t.

To ask and know if my partner has a sexually transmitted disease.

To have safe sex to prevent disease transmission or pregnancy.

To be true to my values and beliefs about sex and sexuality.

To have my values, beliefs, feelings, and limits respected by my partner.

To be sober before and during a hookup.

To express my opinions about what I mean by “hooking up” instead of accepting others’ definitions.

I HAVE THE RESPONSIBILITY:

To ask my partner what he/she wants to do sexually.

To listen for my partner’s answer before moving forward with my wants and needs.

To respect my partner’s values, beliefs, feelings, and sexual limits.

To stop when my partner tells me or gives me a sign that he/she is not comfortable with what is happening.

To be honest and forthcoming if I have a sexually transmittable disease or risk of pregnancy.

To not spread rumors that could damage the reputation of my hookup partners.

To communicate my preference for safe sex practices and have supplies available if needed.

Jackie Deitch-Stackhouse, June 2006

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Assertive, Nonassertive, and Aggressive Behaviors

In every situation, you have three choices as to how you should behave; assertive, nonassertive (a.k.a. passive), and aggressive. Although assertive behavior can be one of the healthiest methods to maintain personal self-esteem and foster healthy relationships with others, it may not always be the best choice. Certain situations, particularly those that are threatening to personal or emotional safety may demand nonassertive or aggressive behavior.

The trick is to become adept at using all three behavioral options so you can effectively choose which will work best for you in the moment. Sometimes, you may not be happy with the outcome of a situation, but if you choose the course of your behavior, you can at least feel good about that.

ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR

Characteristics of assertive behavior include expressing your feelings, needs, ideas, and rights in ways that don’t violate the rights of others. Assertive behavior is usually honest, direct, expressive, spontaneous, and self-enhancing. Assertive persons make their own choices, are confident, and feel good about themselves while being assertive and afterward. They usually achieve their goals; when they don’t, they still feel good about themselves because they know they have been straightforward. Acting assertively reinforces their good feelings about themselves, improves self-confidence, and creates free, honest, and open relationships with others.

NONASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR (sometimes called “Passive Behavior”)

Characteristics of nonassertive behavior include not expressing feelings, needs, and ideas; ignoring personal rights; and allowing others to infringe upon them. Nonassertive behavior is usually emotionally dishonest, indirect, inhibited, and self-denying. Nonassertive persons often let other people choose for them and end up feeling disappointed in themselves and angry with them; at best, they can be described as passive, at worst as a doormat. People often choose nonassertive behavior to avoid unpleasant situations, tension, conflict, and confrontation.

AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

Characteristics of aggressive behavior include expressing your feelings, needs, and ideas at the expense of others. Aggressive persons stand up for their rights, but ignore the rights of others; they may dominate or humiliate other people. While this behavior is expressive, it is also defensive, hostile, and self-defeating.

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How To Do Assertiveness

Step 1: Focus on trying to express your feelings using “I” statements.

Step 2: Express specifically, what you are concerned about or what positive sentiment you would like to share.

Step 3: State clearly, without apology, what you need or want from the other person.

Step 4 (Optional): You can then choose whether or not to put forward consequences for what will happen if the behavior does not change.

Simply stated you can use the following model:

I feel________________

When you_____________

I need for you to_____________

(Optional) Or else_______________

Example for Expressing Concern to Others:

I feel disrespected…hurt…frustrated…disappointed,

When you say you’re coming to the meeting and then don’t show up.

I need for you to do what you say you are going to do.

(Optional) Or else, I will have to go to the Executive Cabinet to discuss potential sanctions.

Example for Expressing Positive Sentiment:

I feel appreciated…respected…loved…valued,

When you ask me about my day and really listen to what I have to say.

*If you want the behavior to keep going as is, the third step is optional. If you want some modification to take place, but essentially build off of the positive behavior then a third statement might be appropriate.

Things to Consider:

If it seems like you might as well be pointing your finger at someone when you practice saying your thoughts or feelings, then you are likely using a “You” statement in disguise. Remember to own your feelings. You have a right to feel how you feel. Feelings don’t have to be rational. Sometimes, feelings just are.

As a human being, you have a responsibility to teach others how to treat you. It is not realistic to expect that others think and feel exactly as you do in response to similar situations. To make this assumption is to set yourself up for disappointment from your friends, family, and partners.

Once you have given people the information they need to treat you well, you can then gauge what they do with that information. If they minimize or invalidate your feelings or choose not to make changes in their behavior after you have asserted yourself, you are left with some decisions to make.

Is this behavior intolerable/unacceptable to me such that I might have to end the relationship if it continues?
Do I need to give her/him one last chance to change?
Can I modify anything about my relationship so I don’t have to continue experiencing hurtful behavior?

Jackie Deitch-Stackhouse, June 2006

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Assertive Behavior: Ideas to Keep in Mind

Assertive body language includes the following:

Maintaining direct eye contact
Erect, attentive posture
Speaking clearly and audibly
Appropriate voice tone, inflection, and volume
Using facial expressions to reinforce your words
Using appropriate gestures to add emphasis to what you say

Assertive behavior is sometimes confused with aggressive behavior; however, assertion does not involve intentionally hurting the other person physically or emotionally, although there is always the risk that some emotional hurt may result.
Assertive behavior assumes that you have a right to express your own wants, needs, feelings, and ideas.
Remember: Other individuals have a right to respond to your assertiveness with their own wants, needs, feelings, and ideas.
Assertive behavior aims at equalizing the balance of power, not in “winning the battle” by putting the other person down or rendering her/him helpless. As assertive encounter may involve negotiating an agreeable compromise.
By behaving assertively, you open the way for honest relationships with others. In contrast, aggressive or unassertive behavior may limit this potential.
Because assertive behavior is not only concerned with what you say but how you say it, it is important that assertive words be accompanied by assertive “body language” in order to deliver a message with greater clarity and impact.
Anger can be expressed assertively without humiliating the other person. Angry feelings should be expressed as soon after the incident as possible to avoid an aggressive reaction resulting from a build-up of angry emotions.
You have the right to take time to ask for time to formulate an assertive response to a particular situation.
By being assertive and telling other people how their behavior affects you, you are giving them an opportunity to change their behavior, and you are showing respect for their right to know where they stand with you.

Assertive behavior is a skill that can be learned and maintained by frequent practice!

Author unknown

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