DOG CRAP

It is not often that people sit around discussing dog poop, especially over dinner, or should I say, during dinner? But I must confess that the subject did arise while dining at home with my girlfriend. It started because of a jar of honey that needed refilling. She asked me what I used the honey for, and I said I put it on my cereal in the morning. We should have let it go at that, but no, she had to tell me that she use to put honey and oatmeal on her face.

“What?” I exclaimed. “Why would anyone put oatmeal and honey on their face?” (Technically I should have said, “… on his or her face,” but I tend to write better than I talk.) The answer, which I verified later because my girlfriend is blonde, was that honey is a mild antibiotic and has an antiseptic effect, which I didn't know, and oatmeal acts as an exfoliate, so the combination is good for your face, or so they claim.

Then she added, “I also put egg yokes on my face.” I pondered this for a moment, and briefly wondered if this was the source of the expression, “Egg on your face.” It means to look foolish, so I'm fairly certain it was related. I asked her if she had ever put any other breakfast foods on her face. “Yogurt,” she replied. “Also olive oil.”

“How about dog poop,” I asked. She thought I was disgusting, and made some comment about it being processed and not having any value. “They use manure for fertilizer,” I pointed out. “Why not put it on your face. It might be good for your skin.”

We then debated the value of poop, from elephant dung (which, I pointed out, wart hogs eat because it has nutrients), to human excrement, which she claimed was not used as fertilizer because we, and dogs, are carnivores. I then explained that farmers have used human waste as fertilizer for centuries, but it is not culturally acceptable today in developed countries.

There was silence for a few minutes, as she contemplated this latest revelation. Then I said, “If dog poop smelled like Chanel #5, women would be putting it on their faces.”

She gave me that look, and said, “You are not going to be putting this conversation on your web site are you? 

“Hmmm…”